Welcome to day one of my five days of holiday grief! This is my spin on the 12 days of Christmas. But instead, we’re digging into how to cope with and navigate grief and loss around the holidays. I’m so excited about it because I really wanted to give you guys some impactful, bite-size episodes that you can listen to when you’re on the go. Or, if you’re just having a moment and needing just a little more support or inspiration or guidance on how to navigate the complexities and everything that is going on this holiday season.

And, what better way to do that in a minisode format? I think this is going to be so awesome and so powerful for all of us to hear and come together to talk about an acknowledge, because grief around the holidays it really freaking hard. As if it’s not hard enough already all year round, right? So, I really wanted to start off by acknowledging those who are going to be, or who are currently, navigating their first holiday season after going through some loss. We typically focus on the loss of a loved one through a death, but I also want to acknowledge divorce, ending relationships, and other types of loss, too.

Your life might’ve been completely turned upside down this year, no matter what you have been through. I want to send you a huge hug and acknowledge you today, for wherever you’re at. Let’s start with those navigating your very first holiday without someone that you love with you–through whatever means that is. Every holiday season is going to feel different.

And by the way, this could be relevant for a birthday, anniversary, a death anniversary, etc. Any milestone that you have that you’re coping with. Where do we even start? What do we do to wrap our head around approaching our first holiday after we have experienced a loss? Because that can feel very overwhelming, very confusing, and very emotional.

One of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves i s to simply acknowledge the pain of the first holiday season without a loved one. Do our best to prepare for that mentally and emotionally. But in saying that, I feel like I have to say there’s really no way to prepare mentally, physically, emotionally for navigating a first holiday season without a loved one that we’re missing.

For those who might know my story (or for those who don’t!), my mom died on December 9th, 2019. The holiday season for me is especially raw. It’s especially bittersweet. This year, it’s going to be five years without my mom. But trust me, it doesn’t feel tha long ago. That’s why I say this post is also for people who aren’t just in the first season without their loved one, because each and every holiday season brings up new complicated feelings. The shock, disbelief, and discomfort that we feel in year one looks very different than year three, year five.

I think first and foremost, let’s acknowledge it. Let’s just say that out loud. Write it out. Think it out loud, “My holiday season is, unfortunately, not going to be what I had hoped for, what I expected, and what I am accustomed to.” And really sit with that. And when I say sit with that.

I want to acknowledge that that is a painful thing to do and to even have to think about, right? We probably don’t even want to think about it. But it helps in the processing and coping with the surreal feelings that so many of us are dealing with. I think this is such an important step and navigating the holiday season.

Number one is because there can be so much shock around it that our brain is still trying to catch up with. Those of us who have, or could perhaps, lose someone in this season. When my mom was nearing death, Thanksgiving was coming up. There was a time where we actually thought she might even be able to come home. But then here we are, Thanksgiving comes around, and I couldn’t even tell you what we did for that Thanksgiving. I don’t think we even did anything, to be honest. Then, two weeks later, she was dead. There are parts of me that still cannot comprehend that.

I want to encourage you to take the pressure off of trying to make sense of it and trying to understand it. I think that is one of the most difficult parts about grief and loss is that we as humans, our ego, our emotions… we want to make sense of things that sadly, oftentimes, just don’t make sense.

There’s no logic. There’s no reason “why”. We’re all just here trying to live a beautiful, happy life. We’re all here trying to figure it out and are wrestling with so many different emotions and trying to get used to a reality we have never known before.

In saying that, do your best to know and understand that this holiday season is going to look and feel different and acknowledge that there is discomfort in that. There is dis-ease and that there is profound sadness and anguish and longing. Longing for what we once had. My Christmases, my Thanksgivings have not even remotely looked and felt the same since my parents died.

In my first year without my mom – who had only died two weeks prior to Christmas – the holidays may as well have not even existed. But then the following year, when I spent it with my now-husband’s family, it was a beautiful day. I had fun. It didn’t feel like my holiday season, though. It felt so empty.

If you’re navigating a first holiday season, acknowledge that it is going to feel perhaps empty and lonely (despite who you are around). You could be around some of the most amazing, supportive, uplifting people, but if it is not the person or the people that you are missing and that you love and just want back more than anything, of course it’s not going to feel right! Of course, it’s not going to feel the same. It’s not going to feel good. It might not feel joyful. It’s not going to feel merry and bright.

I’m going to talk about that in one of these subsequent episodes on the Life With Grief Podcast, but, I think the biggest opportunity opportunity that we have as grievers is (sadly, because I know it’s hard) to face our grief head on.

But it’s such a powerful thing that we have the ability to face that. It says so much about your resilience. And not that it’s about finding resilience or strength, but it says so much about you that you are now facing a very difficult season of life without whoever it is that you have lost via death, via an ending relationship, whatever it looks like for you.

Maybe you’re even mourning not being geographically in a place where you normally would have been. Maybe you went through a big move this year. With my family on the east coast where I was born and raised until I was 10, and when we moved to California, we didn’t have any other family here. I mourned those holidays that I had as a child!

For me, during the holiday season, I tend to go backwards. I don’t say “live in the past”, but I long for that. I miss that dearly. Now, it makes me more motivated to want to have that sort of holiday season for my daughter and make sure she has the experiences that I was so fortunate to have as a child in her own way. It’s it’s a balance of those two things, right?

It’s giving yourself permission to feel so profoundly sad and upset and maybe angry and unsettled and maybe even fearful, or just uncomfortable with what the season is going to look and feel like for you now. Purely acknowledging that takes so much effort and strength. And whether you journal, whether you do a little bit of breath work, whether. You know, you just sit in some silence, maybe you meditate.

Maybe you go on a walk to try and help process all of this. However, you can find an outlet for you to do that. I really, really encourage that. Talking to people. Being very transparent with maybe people that are. Maybe you’re visiting or spending your time with other people that you maybe don’t normally do. Be really honest and acknowledge: my holiday season is not feeling very joyful. I’m actually really not okay. I’m really struggling. I need a little extra love and support and compassion this season. I feel very out of my body. I’m really in pain from missing ~fill in the blank~

The best thing we can do is to take some time to think about that. And if it’s appropriate, or if you feel that it’s helpful or necessary communicating that to those, around you, do that!

Give yourself that permission to feel. I want to reiterate why it is so important and so okay to feel those conflicting emotions during the holidays. And when I say conflicting, I mean that because we can feel sadness, anger, resentment… all the negative, sad things under the sun. But we could also feel some joy. We could have some laughter mixed in there! We could end up going to a gathering and actually having a really good time.

There might even be some guilt around that because, especially if it is a first holiday season and you are quite literally taking this a moment at a time a day at a time, you might be wondering: how do I do this? How do I navigate this? How do I honor what I’m feeling while allowing myself to have a good time, if a good time presents itself. And also, how do I carry my loved one with me?

All the more reason we need to give ourselves grace. Why we need to communicate what we’re feeling and if we are struggling, it’s just even have one person in your life. Having the right people and the community in your corner filled with people who just get it, that is imperative.

Know that I am here for you. This community that I’ve built here is here for you. There are so many outlets and so many people struggling with and trying to navigate the holiday season, just like you are. And it’s not to compare! It’s just to let so you know, that there are thousands, probably millions of us that are all in our own boats in this way, and we can row up this river of loss, so to speak, together. It doesn’t have to feel so overwhelming.

The last thing that I just want to encourage is communication with those around us. Wth family, with friends, and perhaps it’s family and friends who are also struggling with a loss this year. Setting boundaries is really, really important. And, this is a really important thing as far as you honoring what you’re able to manage this holiday season.

Holiday season number one after a major loss kind of requires this – and every year, to be honest. But I feel like it because it’s so raw sort of in the first year, set those boundaries with family, friends, colleagues. And understand that it’s okay to say no. To not succumb to pressure to go to social gatherings or events or normal traditions that might feel overwhelming. It’s okay to take a back seat on that this year. Don’t overload yourself unnecessarily!

But this can be hard, because sometimes we might be feeling good one moment and “meh” the next. We might commit to something, but then the next moment we’re like, yikes… I shouldn’t have committed to that. I’m so overwhelmed. I’m so sad. I’m having a really rough day.”

These are the waves of grief are brutal. We might feel bad if we originally said yes but now we’re just not feeling up to it. But let’s say you did RSVP “yes” to something because you were feeling okay in the moment. Now, you’re not feeling up for it – whatever the circumstances are.

Perhaps do your best to feel good about yourself, get dressed up, maybe buy yourself a new outfit – whatever you need to do to make yourself feel good going into it. But maybe you excuse yourself early or have that honest conversation with the host. And listen, I’m not even above making an excuse if we have to. We could say we’re not feeling well or a little worn down, but that you appreciate the invitation and gathering and had a nice time.

Whatever’s appropriate for the setting. But I want you to feel empowered to make this holiday season look like whatever you need it to to keep your head above water. Even if that means not even celebrating this year! Yes, that is an option.

I know some people might be like, “Tara, are you kidding? I have friends, I have a family, I have [fill in the blank]. I can’t just check out of the holidays.”

Okay, fine. But think about how you can maybe pair back. How can you make this holiday season? Bearable for yourself. And in some other episodes in this little series, we’re going to talk about this.

We’re going to talk about little ways that we can honor our loved ones that we can. I keep their memory alive and all the good things. So stay tuned for that. But really I wanted this conversation today to be.

Something that empowers you to know that 1000% this holiday season is not going to look and feel the same as it ever has. And I want you to know that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by the gravity of that. Your entire world has been completely shattered, thrown off its axis. Acknowledging how heavy that is, how dark that can feel. That’s okay.

That process needs to happen. And you can, and you should acknowledge how deep that pain. Is the, the pain of navigating your first holiday season. Without a loved one or without whoever or whatever it is that you have lost, especially if it’s happened in this last year. And knowing that. Sure there is no way to properly prepare for that.

You can’t really prepare for it until it comes knocking on your door and you’re faced with it. I encourage you to sit in that discomfort a little bit. Perhaps even get curious about it. That’s why I bring up journaling, talking through that with someone, even if you’re just venting and all you can say over and over is, “I just can’t believe they’re not here. I cannot believe we are having a Christmas without them.”

“I cannot believe we have to go through Hanukkah without them.” Whatever it is that you celebrate, whatever’s coming up for you. This season doesn’t matter.

Acknowledging that it’s going to look different. Giving yourself that permission to feel that. Deeply. But also knowing and remembering that if little cracks of joy and sunlight and laughter come in, or you have a moment where you are actually feeling very grateful for what you do have. That that is also okay. And let those moments in those two things can coexist.

We are going to talk more about gratitude and what that means and how these things can coexist more on that coming up in one of these installments.

But again, it’s also knowing that it is well within your right and within your power to make this holiday season look and feel however you want it to.

And if that requires setting boundaries, if that requires not going to maybe any holiday events or very minimal holiday events, that’s okay. You do you, maybe you’re a bit more of a recluse this season, or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe it does help you. To go out and be with people. Maybe it’s a distraction.

As long as you’re doing things that are healthy and good for you, that’s the only thing I encourage.

We want healthy coping mechanisms here. But of course, splurging on dessert and all the yummy food that comes with the holidays, of course. But that’s all we can do around the holiday season five years in that is what I’ve found. And also, that every year is going to feel different. Every year is going to come with sort of a new set of feelings or challenges or perspectives on it. But I just want to encourage that to you, especially again, for those who are navigating your on, please know the perspective is going to change each year.

Please know that it’s probably not always going to feel as raw as it feels right now. It’s not going to always feel as shocking as it is right now. There is a resignation, a processing that happens over time and with the right grief work, of course, that allows us to settle into the holiday season with a little more peace tha we did the year before. Not that it ever feels quite right, not that it might ever feel good. But, again, it’s just allowing room for those little slivers of laughter and happiness and beauty to come into our holiday season. Whether that is through the foods you eat, whether that’s through the people that you’re with, whether it’s through, holiday movies, whatever this looks like for you. Whatever sparks the littlest bit of joy for you this season.

I want you to feel validated in the fact that navigating the holiday season, after a major or even a minor loss, is not easy. But as I’ve mentioned, you are not alone. There are resources to help you! And if nothing else, the Life With Grief Podcast and these griefy holiday episodes are going to be here for you to tune into and hopefully give you just a little inspiration, words of wisdom, ways to cope, and all the good things this season.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast if you aren’t already so you don’t miss a thing!

Work with me:


Connect with me further:

View comments

+ Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

»

«