Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s especially challenging this time of year: the pressure to “be merry.” The holiday season is often painted as the most wonderful time of the year, filled with joy, laughter, and celebration. But what if, instead of feeling joyful, you find yourself struggling just to get through the day?

If you’re reading this, you might be grappling with grief, and the societal pressure to be cheerful might feel like a heavy burden on your shoulders. Today, we’re going to talk about how to cope with these expectations and how to give yourself permission to honor your feelings, even when the world around you is pushing for something else.

So grab a cup of something warm, settle in, and let’s get into it!

The Weight of Societal Expectations

Let’s start by acknowledging something that so many of us face but rarely talk about: the expectation that we need to be cheerful during the holiday season. It can be overwhelming to see people around us seemingly immersed in holiday cheer — decorating, hosting gatherings, exchanging gifts — while we’re struggling to find a reason to get out of bed. Grief can make the season feel like a cruel joke, where everyone else is celebrating and you feel stuck, like you’re watching from the outside looking in.

Society has created this narrative that happiness is mandatory during the holidays. But the truth is, there’s no timeline or seasonality to grief. It doesn’t take a break because it’s December, and it certainly doesn’t care about holiday music, festive lights, or cheerful commercials. If you’re in pain, you’re in pain, and that’s okay.

But how do you navigate this pressure when the world keeps insisting you should “be merry”? That’s what I want to explore today.

The Power of Permission: Letting Yourself Feel What You Feel

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned as a grief coach, and also in my own journey, is the power of permission. When we’re grieving, we often feel guilty for not being able to meet the expectations of others. But I want you to know: it’s okay to feel sad, to feel angry, or to feel numb during the holidays. You don’t have to pretend to be happy if that’s not where your heart is.

Here’s a little exercise that might help: take a deep breath, and I want you to tell yourself, “It’s okay for me to feel whatever I’m feeling.” Write it down somewhere if you need to. Put it on your bathroom mirror or make it the background on your phone. Give yourself permission to not have to force cheerfulness. Your grief is valid, and so are your feelings — every single one of them.

Boundaries Are Your Best Friend

It’s also important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries. This is a season where social obligations can feel endless — family gatherings, work parties, holiday dinners. If attending these events feels overwhelming, or if you’re just not up for it, it’s perfectly okay to say no.

It can feel uncomfortable, especially if people around you don’t understand your grief. But you don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself. You can simply say, “Thank you for the invitation, but I won’t be able to attend this year.” You don’t need to justify it beyond that.

And if you do decide to go to a gathering, have an exit strategy in place. Let someone you trust know that you might leave early, or drive yourself so you can slip out if it becomes too much. Protecting your emotional energy is an act of self-care, not selfishness.

Creating Your Own Traditions

If the old traditions bring up painful memories or don’t align with where you are right now, consider creating new ones. Maybe that means skipping the big family dinner and having a quiet evening at home instead. Perhaps you can honor your loved one by lighting a candle in their memory, writing them a letter, or even volunteering somewhere that aligns with a cause they cared about.

There’s no rulebook for how you’re supposed to “do” the holidays. You have the freedom to create rituals that bring you peace rather than stress. And if that means spending the day in your pajamas, binge-watching your favorite shows, or taking a long, quiet walk in nature, that’s perfectly okay. The holidays are yours to shape in whatever way supports your healing.

Finding Small Moments of Comfort

I want to acknowledge that there’s often a sense of hopelessness that comes with grief, especially when it seems like everyone else is surrounded by joy. But I encourage you to find small, manageable ways to create moments of comfort for yourself. This doesn’t mean forcing happiness, but rather looking for tiny pockets of peace, as I like to call them.

This could be making a cup of your favorite tea, listening to music that soothes your soul, or sitting quietly with a good book. Sometimes, the smallest acts of self-kindness can help you get through a difficult day. And remember: you don’t have to be “merry” to find moments of comfort. You can grieve and still find small things that nourish your spirit.

A Message of Hope

Before we close, I want to remind you of something important: you are not alone. Grief can make you feel isolated, especially during a season that’s supposed to be about togetherness. But there are others out there who understand what you’re going through. If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out — whether it’s to a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend. Sometimes just saying, “I’m not okay,” can be a release.

I also want you to know that it’s okay if your holiday season looks different this year. Grief is a journey, not a destination. And while you may not feel it now, there will be moments of light again, even if they’re just flickers at first.

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