LOSSES BECOME GAINS

Today we’re diving into a topic that many of us might find ourselves struggling with this time of year: the seemingly contradictory emotions of grief and gratitude during the holiday season.

The holidays can feel like a season of contrasts. It’s a time when we’re encouraged to be grateful, to celebrate, and to be joyful, but for those of us who are grieving, it can feel like that’s not even on our radar. So today, we’re exploring whether grief and gratitude can really coexist—and how to navigate this emotionally complex time of year. Let’s get into it.

The Pressure to Feel Grateful

The holidays come with a lot of expectations. There’s the idea that we should feel grateful for what we have, cherish every moment, and focus on the good things. But if you’re grieving, that pressure to feel grateful can sometimes feel almost impossible to meet—and it can even feel like an added burden.

Here’s the thing: Gratitude is not a requirement. It’s okay to release yourself from the pressure of feeling grateful, especially when your heart is heavy with loss. If you’re in the depths of grief, trying to force yourself to feel grateful can actually deepen your pain. You might start to question yourself: “Why can’t I just be grateful for the family I still have?” or “Why can’t I just appreciate the good things?”

But gratitude is something that often comes when we least expect it, especially when we allow ourselves to simply be where we are emotionally. When you’re grieving, it’s okay to not have it all figured out. It’s okay if you don’t feel grateful today, this week, or even this year. Gratitude is something that can bloom on its own, in its own time—when you stop trying to force it.

So, if the pressure to be grateful is weighing you down, I encourage you to release it. Give yourself permission to simply exist, to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Sometimes, the most radical act of self-care during the holidays is allowing yourself to say, “I don’t have to be grateful right now. I just have to be.”

Letting Go of Perfection and Embracing the Messiness of Grief

There’s another myth that’s especially strong this time of year—the myth of perfection. Social media, movies, and even our own traditions tell us that the holidays should be picture-perfect: beautifully decorated trees, happy families, perfectly wrapped gifts, the perfect holiday dinner table. But when you’re grieving, striving for perfection, or even being halfway perfect, can feel like an impossible task—and it can make you feel even worse when things don’t go as planned.

Grief is messy. It doesn’t fit neatly into a holiday schedule or go away just because it’s time to celebrate. Trying to force yourself to be okay, to meet every holiday expectation, can lead to burnout and even more emotional pain. Instead of trying to create a perfect holiday season, I invite you to embrace the messiness.

Maybe this year, your holiday table won’t have all the dishes you usually prepare. Maybe your home won’t be decorated the way it used to be. Maybe you just do not want to put the lights up this season. And maybe you won’t feel like attending every holiday gathering. That’s okay. Letting go of perfection means giving yourself permission to do what feels right for you, rather than what you think you’re “supposed” to do.

This might be the year where you let someone else bring the food, or where you skip the gift exchanges entirely. It might be the year where you spend the holiday season in your pajamas, watching your favorite movies, and that is perfectly okay. Grief allows us to reimagine traditions in a way that meets us where we are. It’s okay to let the messiness of life and emotions be part of your experience. Sometimes, it’s in these imperfect, raw moments that we find the deepest connection to ourselves and to others. Where we can tap into simplicity and keep it basic, and sometimes that’s where we can appreciate what’s in front of us even more. When everything is stripped down and we see the holidays for what they truly are, and that it’s not about all the shiny, pretty things and gifts at the end of the day.

Carrying Both Grief and Hope into the New Year

As we approach the end of the year, it’s natural to reflect on the past and to think about what lies ahead. For those who are grieving, this reflection can bring up deep emotions and can be pretty overwhelming. It makes us hone in on losses that feel more pronounced as the world around us celebrates new beginnings.

But here’s a gentle reminder: Grief and hope can coexist. You don’t have to choose one over the other. You can carry your grief with you into the new year, while also holding space for the possibility of hope and feeling like yourself again.

Hope doesn’t mean forgetting the person you lost or pretending that the pain isn’t there. It doesn’t mean you have to move on. Hope is simply the willingness to believe that, even in the darkness, there is light to be found. There’s a new iteration of our life ahead of us, and getting curious about what that looks like–when we’re ready–is something that can actually be an eye-opening process if we allow it to be. 

It’s knowing that healing isn’t linear, it doesn’t have a timeline, and it never ends, either–becasue that hole in our heart will never fully close. But every day, every small step, brings you closer to a softer, more tender space where grief and hope can exist side by side. We build up the support around that hole in our heart, so to speak.

If you’re listening to this and feeling the weight of grief this holiday season, or any time of year, I want you to know that it’s okay to carry that weight. I understand that burden, I know it’s so heavy–and I’m so sorry this is something you have to carry. But it’s also okay to leave room for hope, even if it comes in the smallest of ways and packages. Because sometimes, that tiny flicker of hope is enough to carry us through to the next day, and then the next, and the next… and we go from there.

Closing Thoughts & A Hopeful Message for the New Year

So, as we close out this episode, I want to leave you with this: This holiday season, allow yourself to be gentle with your heart. Let go of the pressure to be grateful or perfect. Embrace the messiness, the rawness, and the realness of your grief. Know that it will not and can not be forced away, and you’re not wrong for feeling this way. And as you step into the new year, remember that grief and hope can coexist in new ways that make sense for you. 

Let’s go into this next chapter with open hearts, embracing the possibilities of modalities of healing, however that looks for each of us. And remember, because I can’t say it enough, you’re not alone on this journey. There’s a community of people, including myself, walking alongside you.

Thank you for joining me today. If this episode resonated with you, please consider subscribing, leaving a review, or sharing it with someone who might need to hear it. Until next time, take care of yourself, and remember, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve–holiday season, or any moment outside of the holidays.