Today we’re diving into a topic that hits close to home for so many of us—the holidays and grief. For those of us who have lost someone, the holiday season can feel like walking through a minefield of memories, traditions, and triggers. If you’re finding yourself dreading the upcoming season or struggling with unexpected waves of sadness, know that you’re not alone, and it’s completely valid to feel this way. This episode is all about navigating those grief triggers and finding ways to handle them with compassion for yourself.

Understanding Holiday Triggers

Let’s start by talking about what holiday triggers are. A ‘grief trigger’ is essentially anything that reminds you of your loved one and the fact that they’re no longer here. These triggers can be big or small. Maybe it’s hearing a specific holiday song, seeing the decorations your loved one used to put up, or even something as simple as the scent of gingerbread cookies or the sight of a Christmas tree.

I was walking the other day and smelled a fire burning on a chilly afternoon, and I was immediately taken back to winter and the holidays on the east coast.

During the holiday season, everything seems to be amplified. It’s a time that’s often associated with family gatherings, joy, and togetherness, so when you’re grieving, it can feel like a glaring reminder of what—or who—is missing. The pressure to be cheerful can feel suffocating, especially if you’re just trying to get through each day.

One thing to remember is that grief doesn’t follow a calendar. Just because it’s been months, years, or even decades since your loss doesn’t mean you won’t be hit with waves of sadness. The holidays can bring back memories and emotions you thought you’d already worked through. And that’s okay. Grief is not a linear process—it’s a winding road with unexpected bumps and curves.

Preparing for Holiday Triggers

So, what can we do to prepare ourselves for those inevitable triggers? Here are a few very high level strategies that can help.

Acknowledge Your Feelings:

It’s okay if you’re not feeling the holiday spirit. Don’t force yourself to be cheerful just because everyone else seems to be or is forcing this on you. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Sometimes just acknowledging, “This is a difficult moment,” can take the pressure off.

Set Boundaries to help prevent them from happening:

It’s perfectly okay to say ‘no’ to certain gatherings or traditions if you’re not up for them. If attending that big family dinner or company holiday party feels overwhelming, give yourself permission to opt out. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for prioritizing your mental health.

Create a Plan B:

Triggers can pop up unexpectedly, so it can be helpful to have a few ‘escape routes’ in mind. If you’re at a gathering and find yourself feeling overwhelmed, consider taking a walk, excusing yourself to the bathroom to take a few deep breaths, or even heading home early if that’s what you need. Having a plan in place can help you feel more in control.

Coping with Holiday Anxiety While Grieving

The combination of grief and the pressures of the holiday season can lead to heightened anxiety. Let’s dive into ways to cope with that anxiety:

Acknowledge the Source of Your Anxiety:

The holidays often come with expectations—whether from family, friends, or even yourself. If you’re already grieving, these expectations can feel overwhelming. Take a moment to ask yourself: “What’s really causing my anxiety?” Understanding the root of it can help you better address it.

Practice Grounding Techniques:

When you feel anxiety creeping in, try grounding yourself in the present moment. Techniques like the 5-4-3-2-1 method can help:

  • Name 5 things you can see,
  • 4 things you can touch,
  • 3 things you can hear,
  • 2 things you can smell,
  • And 1 thing you can taste.
  • This can redirect your focus from anxious thoughts to your immediate surroundings, helping you stay centered.


Take Breaks from Social Media:

Social media can amplify feelings of loneliness or inadequacy, especially when it seems like everyone else is celebrating happily. Consider taking breaks or muting accounts that trigger you during this time.

Create a Holiday ‘Survival’ Plan:

Write down activities that help soothe you. Having a list to turn to when anxiety spikes can be a lifeline.

Also, be sure you have a way to let things out of your mind. Journaling, talking it out in a voice note to yourself, having someone to talk it out with… all of these and more can be great tools to release some of the anguish and pressure you’re feeling.

Coping with the Actual Holiday

When the actual holiday arrives, it can be a mix of emotions. Here are some ways to cope:

Give Yourself Permission to Grieve:

It’s completely normal to have moments of sadness, even in the middle of a celebration. If you need to cry, let yourself cry.
Taking time in the morning, especially, to really witness your grief and  make time for it and mentally prepare for the day ahead is critical.
When you’re in the situation or at a gathering,  you need to step outside for a moment of solitude, that’s okay too. Your grief deserves to be acknowledged, no matter what day it is or what the situation is.

Practice Self-Compassion:

It’s easy to get caught up in what you should be feeling or doing during the holidays. But there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. You’re doing the best you can, especially if this is your first one.

Lean on Your Support System:

Whether it’s family, friends, or a grief support group, don’t be afraid to reach out. Sometimes just talking to someone who understands can make all the difference. And if you don’t have people in your life who get it, consider joining an online grief community where you can find support.

Focus on Small Moments of Joy:

Grieving doesn’t mean you have to reject any form of happiness. It’s okay to find moments of joy, even if they’re fleeting. Maybe it’s watching a funny holiday movie, doing a fun activity with family or friends, or simply enjoying a cup of egg nog or tea. Even consider slowing down and enjoying your food. Think about how delicious the food is as you’re eating it. That you are here, alive, perhaps with loved ones around you–even if they’re not the ones you wish were still here–and Allow yourself these little pleasures without guilt.

Final Thoughts

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this, it’s that grief doesn’t take a break for the holidays, but there are ways to cope. You don’t have to push your feelings aside or pretend everything is fine. Give yourself the space to feel whatever comes up and know that it’s okay to change how you approach the holidays to protect your heart.

If you’re struggling, please remember that you’re not alone. This community is here to support you, and there are resources available if you need them. If you found this post helpful, please consider sharing it with someone else who might be navigating this season of grief! Until next time, take gentle care of yourself, and remember—grief may change, but it doesn’t have to define you.

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