Together, let’s unpack the myths of the five stages of grief. Learn the truth behind the model and what grief really looks like—messy, personal, and wave-like.


Why We Need to Talk About the Five Stages of Grief

We’ve all heard of the “five stages of grief”—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They show up in movies, books, and casual conversations when people talk about loss. But here’s the problem: while these stages are widely known, they’re also widely misunderstood.

If your grief hasn’t followed that neat order—or if you haven’t experienced all five—you might have wondered if you’re doing grief “wrong.” Let’s clear that up right now: you’re not.

In this post, I’ll share where the five stages really came from, the myths that surround them, and what grief actually looks like in real life.


The History Behind the Five Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief were first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. But here’s the often-missed detail: these stages weren’t about grieving the death of someone you love. They were actually meant to describe the emotional journey of people who were facing their own terminal illness.

Over time, this model was popularized and applied to grief in general. While some people found it comforting, the five stages were never meant to be a universal roadmap for loss.


The Biggest Myths About the Stages of Grief

Myth #1: Grief is linear

The stages are often presented like a staircase—step one, then step two, until you “arrive.”

Reality: Grief doesn’t move in a straight line. It loops, circles back, and often hits when you least expect it. One day you might feel steady, and the next you’re knocked down by sadness again.

✨ Grief isn’t a checklist you complete—it’s a wave you learn to ride.

Myth #2: Everyone goes through all five stages

It’s easy to assume you’re missing something if you don’t feel denial or bargaining.

Reality: Not everyone experiences all five stages, and those who do may not experience them in order. Skipping stages doesn’t make your grief “wrong”—it makes it yours.

Myth #3: Acceptance is the finish line

Acceptance is often painted as the big sigh of relief—the “end” of grief.

Reality: Acceptance simply means finding a way to live with your loss. Grief doesn’t end; it changes shape. You may carry it differently, but it will always be with you.

✨ You don’t graduate from grief. Acceptance doesn’t mean it’s over—it means you’ve found a way to carry it.


What Grief Really Looks Like: The Wave Model

If grief isn’t about ticking off stages, what’s a more accurate way to think about it? Many grievers describe it as waves.

In the beginning, the waves are constant and crushing—you can barely catch your breath before another one knocks you down. Over time, the waves may get further apart. They might soften. But every now and then, even years later, a huge wave comes out of nowhere and can affect you.

Some days grief feels like a ripple, other days like a tidal wave—and both are normal!

This wave-like rhythm doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It just means you’re human, and it means you loved. You still love!


How to Process Grief in a Healthy Way

Since grief isn’t about following stages, here are more realistic ways to support yourself:

  • Give yourself permission to grieve your way. There is no “wrong” way to grieve.
  • Practice self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself when grief resurfaces. It’s not a setback.
  • Find supportive practices. Journaling, therapy, rituals, rest, and community can all help you carry your loss.
  • Release the timeline. Healing doesn’t happen on a schedule—it unfolds in its own time.


Final Thoughts: Your Grief Is Not Wrong

The five stages of grief were never meant to define your experience. They were just one way of understanding emotions around dying.

Your grief doesn’t have to follow stages to be valid. The messiness, the unpredictability, the waves—that’s grief. And it’s not proof you’re failing; it’s proof that you loved deeply and that love is expressing itself in new ways now.

I’m not of the belief that grief is love that doesn’t have anywhere to go, as so many people say. I think we feel grief because we loved, and that love is now coming through us in new ways. Lean into that, know that it’s okay to grieve openly, and I’m right here to support you if you need it, my friend.


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